About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
