just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
