Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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