my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
