he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
