I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
