I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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