Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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