new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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