Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
