I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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