i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
