I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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