yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
