after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
