i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
