I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
