I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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