I want to stick my p in your. b.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
