It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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