I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
