After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
