im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
