Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
