forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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