he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
