life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
