Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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