We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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