wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
