i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
barbara walters just said penis...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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