my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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