please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
