just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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