i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
