wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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