Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
