I wannas sexs uuuuu
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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