Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
