You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
