You surviving the open bar?
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A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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