Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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