Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
