Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
