I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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