if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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