If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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