Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
40s are totally the cure
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
