My cat gives me a boner
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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