We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
